A Guide to Managing Jealousy Between Siblings

Ever find yourself playing referee in a match you didn’t even know had started? One minute your kids are playing peacefully, and the next, a full-blown sibling squabble erupts over who got the slightly bigger piece of cake. It’s a classic scene in any household with more than one child. While sibling rivalry is as old as time, the jealousy that fuels it can feel like a constant, draining battle.

If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. Navigating the green-eyed monster is a universal parenting challenge. This is especially true for parents of twins, who are literally born sharing the spotlight. The good news is that sibling jealousy, while normal, doesn’t have to rule your household. It’s a natural part of learning to share, negotiate, and understand complex emotions.

This guide is here to help you understand and manage jealousy between siblings, whether they’re years apart or multiples. Read on to transform conflict into growth, helping your children build a stronger, more supportive bond for life.

Why Do Siblings Get Jealous?

Before we get into solutions, it helps to understand what’s happening in those little heads. Sibling jealousy isn’t just about a toy or a parent’s attention; it’s a complex emotion tied to a child’s developing sense of self and security.

The Quest for Attention

Much of sibling jealousy stems from a deep-seated need for parental love and attention. Children, especially younger ones, have a hard time grasping that love isn’t a finite resource. In their minds, if a sibling is getting attention, that must mean there’s less available for them. This can trigger insecurity and a need to compete, which can manifest over anything from who gets to push the elevator button to who gets more story time.

Navigating Fairness and Equality

The concept of fairness is a big deal for kids. The problem is that their definition of fair usually means “equal.” They want everything divided exactly down the middle, from the number of sprinkles on their ice cream to the amount of time you spend with each of them.

As a parent, you know that meeting each child’s individual needs is more important than treating them identically, but this is a difficult concept for a child to accept. Consequently, any perceived imbalance can spark jealousy and resentment.

Developmental Stages and Individual Temperaments

A child’s age and developmental stage play a huge role in how they experience and express jealousy. A toddler might bite or hit to show their frustration, while an older child might use cutting words or withdraw. Additionally, each child’s unique temperament affects their reaction. Some children are naturally more easygoing, while others are more sensitive and prone to feeling slighted. These individual differences mean that a one-size-fits-all approach rarely works.

Strategies for Managing Sibling Jealousy

Now for the part you’ve been waiting for: what can you actually do to manage jealousy between siblings? Here are six strategies.

1. Dedicate One-on-One Time

Setting aside special, individual time with each child is one of the best things you can do. It sends a clear message: “You are important to me, and I love spending time just with you.” And it doesn’t have to be a grand outing. Rather, 15 minutes of reading before bed, a quick trip to the grocery store, or working on a puzzle together are good. The key is that the time is focused and uninterrupted. This helps fill each child’s attention tank and reassures them of their unique place in your heart.

2. Acknowledge and Validate Feelings

When your child expresses jealousy, you might feel tempted to dismiss it in order to calm it down. However, that rarely works. Instead, dismissal can make them feel unheard and ashamed of their emotions.

Try validating their feelings. You can say something like, “It looks like you’re feeling sad that I’m holding your brother right now” or “I can see you’re frustrated that your sister got to choose the game.” Acknowledging their emotion without judgment helps them feel understood and gives them the language to identify their feelings.

3. Avoid Comparisons at All Costs

Comparing your children, even with the best intentions, is a recipe for resentment and a constantly competitive environment. It can make one child feel inadequate and the other feel pressured to maintain a certain standard.

Instead, focus on each child’s individual strengths and progress. Celebrate their unique qualities and efforts without measuring them against their sibling. This helps build their self-esteem on their own terms.

4. Teach Problem-Solving Skills

Instead of always stepping in to solve their disputes, empower your children to work through conflicts themselves. When a disagreement arises, guide them through this process:

• First, help them identify the problem from each person’s perspective.

• Second, encourage them to brainstorm possible solutions together.

• Third, guide them to agree on a solution they can both live with.

• Finally, check in later to see how their solution worked.

5. Create Opportunities for Teamwork

Encourage your children to see themselves as a team rather than as competitors. Assign them shared tasks, like setting the table together, cleaning up their play area, or working on a craft project. When they work together toward a common goal, it fosters camaraderie and shared accomplishment. You could even create fun missions for them to complete as a team. For example, when you’re dining out with twins, give them both the goal of remembering to say please and thank you to the waitstaff, and reward them with dessert.

6. Model Positive Relationships

Children learn how to interact with others by watching the adults around them. Just like there’s a whole science behind choosing attachment objects, there’s a delicate art to modeling healthy attachments for your children to see. That’s why you should strive to demonstrate respectful communication, empathy, and compromise in your own relationships. When they see you navigating conflicts constructively, they are more likely to adopt those behaviors in their own interactions with their siblings and peers.

Building a Stronger Family Bond

Managing jealousy between siblings is an ongoing process, not a problem you solve once. By implementing these strategies, you can create a family environment where each child feels secure, valued, and loved for who they are. And remember that the goal isn’t to eliminate all conflict. Sibling disagreements are normal and provide valuable learning experiences. Your role is to guide your children through these moments, equipping them with the emotional tools they need to build a healthy, supportive, and lifelong relationship.